An excerpt from THE BOOK of WELLINGTON to be published on MARY CATHERINE LUNSFORD throughout the remainder of 2014.
Enjoy, my darlings.
The Book of Wellington
Milord Randolph Wellington Bowles has always entertained me. Our lives together have been peppered with spark, excitement and laughter. In spite of the fact we have often been on opposite political, psychological and organizational sides of a number of issues, we remain dedicated to one another while tolerating our differences.
Keys have always been a bit of a devil to keep track of by Milord. There are so many incidents, but to mention only the most common would be that Milord on “occasion” puts his keys in his luggage, to avoid having bulky pockets. The airlines have not always been most cooperative with delivering Milord’s luggage upon his Royals arrival. Thus Milord finds himself calling Milady MCatherine, frantic that she rescues the situation with a replacement key so Milord is able to drive his “coach” home or to another destination, (luggage of course to be delivered later). Conversation: “Hi! The good news is that I am home. The bad news is that the airline’s lost my luggage. The good news is that I have a hide-a-key and I’ll be home soon.” Forty minutes later, “Hi! The good news is that I found my car. The bad news is that the hide- a-key was placed too close to the exhaust pipe and has melted. Could you bring me a key?” or the next time, “Hi! The good news is I’m home. The bad news is that the airline’s lost my luggage. The good news is I have a hide-a-key and I’ll be home soon.” Forty minutes later, “Hi! The good news is I found my car. The bad news is I placed the hide-a-key under the hood and I can’t pop the hood without getting into the car. Could you bring me a key?” or, “Hi! The good news is I’m home. The bad news is the airline’s lost my luggage. The good news is I have a hide-a-key and I’ll be home soon.” Forty minutes later, “Hi! The good news is I’ve found my car. The bad news is the hide-a-key cover rusted off and the key has fallen out! Could you bring me a key?” or, “Hi! I’m down at The River Place and somehow locked the keys in the car and the car is running! Could you bring me a key?” or
Milord’s Personal Behavior
Milord is prone to laying his clothes along the floor on his side of the bed in the form of a person…..shirt at the top, followed by trousers with belt and socks sticking out the end of the pant leg in order to lessen the stress of decision making in the morning, which is fully dedicated to primping in the mirror and exclaiming, “is this a pretty guy or what? Well, you’ve got to love yourself before you can love others!” Milord’s closet is filled with lovely clothes he wears exquisitely….even gardening clothes look wonderful on him!
Milord is a bit naive and Milady takes full advantage. Once, Milord’s bathroom spigot water was running in a rather thin stream. Milord kept asking “why?” After making an effort to suggest any number of plumbing maladies, Milady finally said she thought a rat was probably plugging up the plumbing and that Milord was undoubtedly brushing his teeth with “rat water” at which point Milord began to use Milady’s spigot! Milord is devoted to TIME Magazine and Reader’s Digest. He often finds any number of articles about health that he feels can remedy any number of ailments Milord MAY eventually develop. Example: Milord read Vitamin E would be an important addition to his diet and he insisted Milady purchase the supplement post haste! After some months passed, Milord stated to Milady one morning, “You know, I have been taking this Vitamin E for several months now, but I can’t remember why.” Milady, ever the quick wit, made point: “For memory….I’d say it’s NOT working!”
Milord’s memory has always been “iffy”. Perfect example to illustrate would be at Prince Andrew and Princess Steffanie’s wedding. Milord and Milady had the great pleasure of meeting many of Prince Andrew’s friends. There were two particular young men, Seth, being short and slight of build with a vibrant personality and Jeff, being tall and rather stout and quiet. At the end of the reception, while Milady waited to escort Milord to the hotel, she noticed Milord speaking with Seth in a rather animated manner. When Milord climbed into the “coach” he announced, shaking his head sadly, “well, Jeff has changed his name to Seth.” “No,” said Milady, “that was Seth.” “Oh, no” Milord argued, “that was Jeff and he’s changed his name to Seth! I argued with him, letting him know that I knew he was Jeff, but he insisted his name was Seth! Finally I just said, ‘well, Jeff, Seth, whatever!’ ” “Very well”, gasped a hysterical Milady, “we’ll sort this out in the morning.”
Of course, if the topic were GOLF, Milord can recall every shot on every hole of every golf course he has ever played in his LIFE!
A Short History of Milord as Repairman, Patient and Nurse
Milord was never tutored in home repair. Very recently the washing machine leaked about two inches of water onto the floor. When Milady asked for help, Milord replied, “I have to pack for my trip to Colorado, but I’ll check back with you on your progress.”
Milord is NOT a good patient. When his son, Prince Drayton, was quite young and had been ill with the flu and Milady had spent an entire week, sequestered as a nurse, upon asking Milord to care for the wee lad while she hurried to the grocery store, Milord called the pediatrician to inquire as to the possibility of his contracting the flu from the boy. The pediatrician upon listening to Milord’s concerns, asked, “Are you the father of this child?” “Oh, yes, but you must understand, it is miserable getting sick on the road and I have to leave for a business trip tomorrow.” Milord moved to the Airport Sheridan to spend the night before leaving on his trip, but he did call to inquire about the health of his son. When Milord injured his back, he whined he could not continue to live on a golf course if he was unable play golf! “A little poison perhaps?” Milady mused.
Nor is Milord a good nurse. Before Milord and Milady married, Milady unfortunately developed heat stroke. She was living at her parent’s home but her parents were on vacation in Alaska. Milord offered to take care of Milady by staying at her parent’s home to keep her company. After a week, during which time Milord entertained customers in restaurants, played volleyball on Tuesday, finally called Milady on Friday to inquire as to her health and to see if Milady would like him to pick her up something to eat, as she had not been fed nor eaten in all that time. She replied she would like a hamburger. Milord brought a child’s hamburger for Milady and a Bacon Double Cheeseburger for himself. He handed the child’s burger to Milady who took one look at it, threw it at him and DEMANDED his burger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Milord was shocked at Milady’s behavior, but did give her the other burger saying, “Well, if you had only told me you were hungry!”
Milord’s Answer to Universe
Recently Milady mentioned to Milord that she always has been puzzled about gravity and the trajectory of the earth and how it revolves around the sun. Milord looked at her in all seriousness and said, “Well, it is round and it moves” at which point Milady roared with laughter.
Milord’s Contribution to Milady’s Life
Milord is responsible for introducing Milady to the art of living, loving, fully engaging in the moment, and encouraging her to reach full potential while supporting her in all matters possible. Milady wishes Milord every good thing in his future and that Milord remain the wind beneath her wings.